I've been thinking a lot about friendships lately. Lord knows I haven't been as good a friend to some of those who have been to me, and maybe that's exactly why I've been thinking about friendship so much lately. Specifically just who has been there for me through thick and thin, good and bad, without asking anything in return. And how, wow. I'm so lucky/blessed/privileged/lucky (did I say that twice? yes) that they were. And still are. Even when I didn't appreciate it. Or, more so, reciprocate like I should have.
I really do understand now. I do.
But to be completely honest, I haven't always thought this way. And it's my own fault. I didn't always choose wisely. And when I was making those stupid choices, I know I overlooked those who were always there for me when I was obsessed somehow with the ones who weren't.
For example, I'd date people who would always join me on vacations or family outings, but then let me sit at home far away from my own family on holidays while they spent it with their own only 10 miles up the street. Or I'd be ~closerthanthis~ to a good girlfriend who never even thought to invite me to a family picnic or birthday party because it was, well, a "family" thing and I really wasn't family after all. I get that. I do. But it still hurt. And somehow I always let those things and those people upset me and hurt me instead of just understanding that's what it was and who they were and I should really just let it go and appreciate those on the flip side of that.
Because, since I've moved here (15 years ago today!), I have always had others in my life who did do just that. They were the ones who were right there to invite me to a family Thanksgiving and when I didn't feel comfortable going and understood would bring me over a plate of food on their way home just so I didn't have to microwave a Swanson dinner and eat it on my own. (Dear Quinns, I'm talking about you now, whether you ever read this or not!) Or they were the ones who knew when I lost my job years ago that were the first to call in sick the next day, jump in their cars that very night and say: "I'm taking you out; you're going to deal with that *tomorrow* instead" and drove out to wherever I was just to be with me and make sure I was OK. They are the same ones, to this day, that I know I can call on right now -- whether we just talked last week, have plans tomorrow or haven't seen each other for years -- and know will be there for me.
I see those people now. Why didn't I then? Why did I (why do we?) concentrate on the people who let us down instead of those who build us up?
I can honestly say that the people who have let me down over the years I've forgiven. If that's the right word even. (If folks are just being themselves, do they need forgiveness?) Amazingly, most of them are still in my life now and we do have relationships. I'm not sure I'll ever think of them the same way as I did back them when I needed them now that I don't anymore. (No. In truth, I never will.) But it's all water under the bridge. The thing that upsets me now is not them anymore: it's myself.
Because for as much as others have disappointed me, I must have disappointed other friends as well. Probably tenfold even. These are the ones who needed me when I was so fixated on others who were disappointing me instead. Who had their own lonely holidays or birthdays or life changing moments and I was so fixated on those who weren't there for me that I wasn't there for them.
I want to tell all those people that I'm sorry. I want to say I've changed.
And I do believe I have.
But saying is different from doing, so I'm vowing now to DO instead of say. It took me a long time to realize it, but I think I'm finally beginning to understand who are my bar friends, my now-and-again friends, my mostly-there friends and my always-there friends. And I'm truly understanding who and what I need to be for each of them too.
Because they are, afterall, all the same thing no matter the descriptor: my FRIENDS.
I think I may, finally, be able to pass Friendship 101.
