By my age, this should have happened sooner....

So darned proud of myself right now. I'm finally learning (at my ripe young age) how to budget.

$42 in my checking account until my next payday (still 5 days away - hey, don't judge! It's been a busy visitor-filled, Packer-game goin' and Oktoberfest celebratin' month and all my bills are at least paid!) and no (and I mean almost NO) food in the house, I managed this:

For $26.41.

4 cans of varied Chunky/Progressive Soups
1 Lean Pockets (2 breakfasts right there!)
2 other frozen meals
1 nice loaf of light rye bread
1/2 lb. of Cheddar cheese
3/4 lb. of Honey ham
2 cans of cat food (Oy deserves to eat too)
Cat litter - the good, clumping kind (trust me, would have gone without if I could!)
Bag of garden salad
Package of grape tomatoes (both now combined in a big salad bowl in the fridge)
3-pack of microwave popcorn
A 2-ltr of diet Sprite
1 small bottle of wine

Daaamn. :-) Who knew $26 could stretch that far if you're really trying? This will feed me for over a week! [disclaimer: already had milk and cereal in the house. Wine may already be gone.]

I sense my grocery bills becoming much, much smaller in the future (visualizing "The More You Know" NBC PSA rainbow/star now).

*grin*

And now my car's been fed, too, which means I can still get to work and back in order to collect that next paycheck.

Ah, the things that make us proud these days.

(with a special shout out to friends and family; you know who you are) :-)

Food for Thought

Learned tonight again: the people who want to keep in touch with you?

Do.

And those who don't?

Don't.

If you want to scream at or cry over or curse about or whatever?

Don't.

They're not bad people.

They don't deserve condemnation or curses or tears.

And you're mature enough now not to play the victim.

Because.

They probably have no idea that you're still thinking about them.

Because.

You're that person for others too.

Have you ever considered that?

Chances are that someone's hurting over you, too.

You hadn't a clue.

Right?

But.

You did nothing wrong.

(Just as they didn't.)

They may have not lived up to your expectations; but you didn't theirs either.

So they're not bad people for that.

Because you aren't either.

(think about it)

(no, really. think about it.)

Which brings me back to the start.

Stop thinking about those who aren't here and those who actually are.

It's past time to do that, isn't it?

A Funny Story About How Apple Computer Saved Me

My very first computer was a Macintosh Performa 5200 series. I bought it when I was ridiculously broke, had no business buying one but knew I had to for my life and my career. My friend George helped me pick it out and even warned me they were fixin' to discontinue them: the one I was fixin' to buy. Maybe I should look at a PC instead? Nope. I didn't care: I wanted a Mac! Because it made me like the "cool kids" who had them. And I'd have a personal computer to boot.

I wish I still had it and I have no idea where I lost it along the way. Oh, if I had it now, it'd be a show piece up on a shelf, of course (I work on the MacDaddy of Mac computers at work these days - I know that old one couldn't keep up, even at home)...but I still wish I had it.

In everyone's tributes to Mr. Jobs today, I read one friend's posting that he helped her to know that she could adjust to any new system, any new program, wherever she went in her career - and it was because Back Then, everyone not in design or education was on the more affordable PC instead. It's different now, but if you had an Apple computer and not in those fields, you sorta had to teach yourself. The operating systems were so different then. It was a much different time. Today, the OS between the two are so darned similar that it's easy to figure it out. Or there's always Google to help. Back in the early 90s, not so much.

I actually related to her comments: I got a Mac to "be cool" but then proceeded to work in an industry that only used PCs until these last couple of years. But as I moved from job to job, city to city even, building my career? I had the faith I could do it because I had to "teach myself" then. And I could teach myself wherever I went because I had that faith I could. If that makes sense? So, yes, thank you, Mr. Jobs.

Onto the funny story I promised.

I was here in Atlanta and shopping at a Kroger grocery store in Brookhaven once where a gentleman paid a little too much attention to me than I had liked. It was innocent at first: we both were walking the aisles, putting stuff in our shopping carts, running into each other every other aisle as I was driving my buggy up and he was driving his cart down (I'm still Wisconsin; we're buggies there). So we would make a comment now and again, have a giggle over a box of crackers or whatnot, but it was just *grocery shopping* for me. I'm sure he was a nice enough guy, but at the time, I wasn't looking to meet someone.

Didn't think twice about it until we ran into each other again at the check-out lanes. He was right next to mine, so we chatted and whatnot, and I started getting the feeling (or, being a naive girl, finally realized after, oh, eighty-twelve meetings in aisles) that he may have been interested in me. But he finished checking out before me so I wished him a good night, watched him walk away, paid my bill (which may or may not have been a bounced check at the time- I was not only naive but broke), secured my groceries and went out to my car. He should have been long gone by then, right?

Nope.

As I was walking out, he had already car'ed his groceries (let's pretend that's a word, okay?) and was *walking back in* to meet me again. At this point, even a naive little 26-year-old Stacy knew it meant more than small-talk chatter between grocery patrons. He chatted me up a little more aggressively, offering to push my buggy (not cart), walking with me to my car. And I had no idea how to handle it all.

And then we got to my car.

My darling little boxy-framed first-ever car: a 1990 blue Toyota Corolla I paid $110/mo. for that was probably worth much less but I could afford. On it, I had decals and stickers of my favorite things: a Packer helmet, a Cubs logo, a big Badger W...and the Apple sticker of the time. I was still thinking it made me part of "the cool gang," right?The translucent ones they give out now? Haven't put them on my car (I guess I don't care anymore what people think?) - but back then? Oh, yeah. I had that rainbow-colored Apple sticker on the black rubber bumper of my little boxy blue cheap-ass Toyota.

And when we got to my car? He saw it. He looked at it, looked back at me. He looked at it again, looked back at me. And then asked me: "oh! so...um. Oh! Are you one of those gay girls then?"

Heh. Guess he mistook the rainbow Apple for the Pride flag?

(Apparently he was a PC man and didn't know!)

Not wanting his advances and so the only time in my life I reacted without thinking, I told him: "why, yes. Yes I am."

And I didn't realize until much later that that could have gone ugly. Like, hate crime ugly. I was still naive. But I was also fortunate that all he did at that point was say: "oh! okay! well have a nice night then!" And he walked away. And I never saw him again. *grin*

So, yeah. Silly story, right? But when my friend Pat today made her profile picture not the translucent whitish Apple sticker of today but the original rainbow (Colors! Not! Even! In! The! Right! Order! People!), it made me remember this story. And smile out loud.

So, thank you, Mr. Jobs - for making me smile out loud, not because of your actual contribution to society (which was huge), but more as a side effect from that.

May he rest in peace.

Sunday Funday with a Great Group of Friends

Oh I do so love this season of the year! Yes, sadly, because it means my TV shows are back on again. Oh, haters, go away. Yup, I'm a TV girl. I know some folks don't "like TV." Some folks don't even HAVE a TV. But I love it. And this is my season. :-)

First, for football. That's a given, right? I mean, you DO know me now, right? But second, for all the season premiers of my beloved shows and new ones they want to throw my way. Fall for me is a great season to nest, brew up some homemade hot chocolate and sit on the couch and watch new TV. And tonight, The Amazing Race started again and I was privileged to have friends like Hilary, Paulie, Amy, James and Nancy come by for food and drink and TV-viewing and introductions to the "Amazing Race Loser iPod Game." (Every show can be made into a game, you know.)

I underestimate my friends. Or I might just be a little self-conscious about myself when throwing a party. This was NOT a party. It wasn't planned or budgeted for (a girl like me has to budget!) But I hadn't seen Paulie in ages, James had never been over, I usually invade Nancy's place and not invite her to my own...are you seeing a pattern here? So I wanted it to be a casual gathering but still something fun. I wanted to be able to offer something fun.

Why on earth did I worry? I'm my own worst enemy sometimes. Okay, I did have some cheesy things. And by cheesy I MEAN cheesy: sliced cheese and crackers, cheese balls and Cheese Nips. (Okay, pretzels, too. And at least a bottle and a half of wine and a few bottles of spirits and mixers, but nothing that was worthy of a reception like this.) But then... Hilary showed up with chips and salsa. Amy and James carted a few bottles of booze and mixers. Paulie and Nancy brought wine -- Nancy throwing in meatballs that were attacked like we were rabid dogs. And Amy even made a comment, in jest: "wow, you never put out a spread like this for our Big Brother nights! I guess we've been watching the wrong show!" And that made me feel eighty-twelve times better for the crapass spread I thought I had put out for my friends tonight.

The thing is? Deep down, I knew not a one of them expected a goshdarned thing. They were just liking the idea of hanging out with friends for an hour or two. *I* put that pressure on myself....and I'm still OK that I did. I do that. Because friends like these deserve First Class Treatment. But the fact that they are more happy with my company than anything I could have put in a glass or on a platter for them? Wow. They made me feel First Class , too. Man, I am totally lucky to have the circles of friends I do and random Sunday nights like this.

My thoughts on Mr. Troy Davis

I'm not even sure how to begin.

First of all, I'm going to say that I don't necessarily disagree with a death penalty. I don't. I have too many loved ones in professions where they put themselves out there in harm's way day in and day out to make sure *I* am safe. Police officers, military members, firemen (and women!), security guards, etc. And if someone is targeted for that reason alone (and it happens), it seems there has to be something more of a punishment on the books than"just" prison to perhaps deter someone from doing it.

That being said...

I don't know how to feel about this case. In case you think this is going to be a "it was the right thing to do, he deserved to die" post and are already on edge about it, let me assure you: it's not. I don't think it was the right thing to do. And I hope we can all learn from this and that Mr. Troy Davis can rest in peace (whether guilty or not) and I'm praying for comfort for his family.

So these are my thoughts then.

I am not going to say he was innocent or not. I don't know enough about the case (it happened the year I graduated from high school in a little rural Wisconsin town, miles away in geography and even more so in culture) except for what I've been reading up on it now. Whether he was guilty or not was not for me to say: it was those folks on the jury at the time who had to make the decision. And I cannot imagine where they are now and how they must be feeling about all of this right now too. Wonder if anyone's thought about that.

A couple of my problems are this: 1) people call it a racial thing. No, I'm not naive enough to not understand that the bias still exists and it sucks. But that jury was more black than white: 7-5, so I don't think that was the SOLE reason he got the conviction. I've read on my Twitter feeds that people feel that and that brings me to point 2) most people who are appalled or opposed have very little knowledge of this case at all. They see and hear what's in the media or on Wikipedia or any number of other sources and call foul. But how many actually study and read the history of the case and the facts before they did that? I appreciate getting behind a cause, but I think a lot of people may have gotten behind it based on other people's opinions instead of one they formed themselves.

That being said? There was way too much doubt in this case to put a man to death. Again: whether innocent or not, I don't understand why, say, a "life in prison" sentence couldn't have been an alternative now after doubts than upholding a death sentence. Folks: is it really such a reprieve to give "life in prison without parole" instead of death? Does that make that person's life so much better? In my opinion (as well a few convicts who have stated they preferred to die than to live their lives that way, year upon year without end), that could be a WORSE punishment to inflict on someone. The family of Officer MacPhail might have been okay with that sentence, had it been the one that came down at the time (and more on that later). And it at least also allows the possibility to research further in cases of innocence or doubt.

One of the problems we have is that the death sentence seems ridiculously arbitrary. A few years ago, another black man Brian Nichols (his race only a factor because of those who say this was a racist thing, nothing more), on trial for rape in this same state, who managed to get a hold of a deputy's gun and shot and killed not only the judge and deputy in the courtroom but others (in front of cameras and many witnesses), and also kidnapped and held another woman before finally surrendering. His sentence? Life in prison. So I ask, how can someone like this get that kind of sentence - when it was so much more clearly obvious he did do these things - than someone else, where there's doubt? I don't understand the discrepancy. How does this man live and another not?

People are speaking out about the family of Officer MacPhail and saying they were happy this justice was served. I want to cut them a little slack. I ask, if you think about it, you do too. It's still fresh for them, even after 20 years. If it were MY son, father, brother, friend who was killed? And the sentence that came down was life in prison? I think I would find peace with that over time and be okay. But the sentence that came down that day was death so I think I can understand how they couldn't find peace until it happened. They were grieving and didn't see the punishment fulfilled. I'm not saying it was the right punishment, but if it were me in those shoes having lost a loved one, I can understand how they might not have had the closure until now if the sentence rendered at the time didn't happen for a couple of decades. They're only humans, too, caught in this sad, sad tragedy. So I AM willing to give them allowances now for anything they say and feel until they can fully recover and move on as well. Let's not hate on them. They're victims too.

The one last thing I want to say is something I saw on a local news program, the NBC station 11Alive, this morning here in Atlanta. A local congressman said, "the people of Georgia put a possible innocent man to death last night." (I tried to find the link to post here, but cannot...so for the sake of transparency, I'm paraphrasing.) That is not true. I'm a person of Georgia for nearly 15 years now and as I admitted in the start of this post, I don't know much about the case other than what I've read in the past few months. But I do know that I had nothing to do with putting Mr. Davis to death. And I hope that most people will understand that.

And I wish this would have ended differently. Whether innocent or not? Only two people really know: Mr. Davis and God himself. And if he was innocent, in faith I believe he found welcoming arms in Heaven last night.

You're Worth It.

I have a few good girlfriends going through the same crap right now so I'm going to say this. Whether for them, a reminder to myself (we all need a reminder now and again, no?) or for someone random possibly reading this that it might pertain to as well.

Ladies, if the gentleman (or lady- depending on your preference) that you like actually likes you too? He will do something to make something happen. Yes, it was illustrated in that silly fun "He's Just Not Into You" movie, but perhaps more poignantly in the book of the same name.

If someone likes you, you'll know. He will show you. And if he doesn't? He's just not into you. So don't waste your time and move on. Even if perhaps he is and he's not up to showing you for whatever reason? Still move on. You're worthy of more. You're worthy of at least that much.

And you're definitely worth more than a booty call if you want to be more than a booty call.

Trust me on this. :-)

I remember only a few days very distinctly in my life. I think I'm blessed (and this may seem odd)... I don't remember many bad days at all. But the "everyday" day doesn't recall emotions much either. Nor do the crazy happy days. When I remember those "distinctive" days in my life, they are not good, bad or indifferent. They just come up in my memory now and again on a day like this.

I know it's so cliche to say it's my generation's turning point or conversation piece, today, 10 years after that horrible day. Mom? Sure, she knows where she was then. She also remembers where she was when Kennedy was shot. Dad was in the Korean Conflict, so he probably knows where he was not only when the armistice happened but where it was and where he was when it happened.

I was born in the very early 70s, a very safe age. I grew up in the prosperity of the 80s and didn't have that "where you were when?" until 9/11 happened 10 years ago today.

So it's going to sound callous to say that I'm privileged to know I have that now. No, I'm not happy I have it. I wish I had never had to experience that or tell my kids or grandkids or nieces and nephews who don't get it (thank God). But it also became something for me and my generation to pinpoint that part of life and time that defines us, like the Moon Landing, the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Vietnam War or the Energy Crisis of the 1970s that others knew before we (you readers) or I were too young to understand. I remember the time -- right after that day on 9/11/2001-- where we stopped being Black or White; Male or Female. And we all put or flew American flags on our cars or off the front steps of our homes. We were not Christians or Muslims or Jewish or even Atheists then. We were Americans. And we still are.

I'm not so much happy as I am honored and humbled now that I know when my mama still tells me where she was when Kennedy was shot that I can tell her I knew where I was when the first attack on my homeland was. That she can tell me that story, raising me in so much love in privilege and protection, that I now can understand how she might have felt that day, just knowing how *I* felt this day, 10 years ago.

Tragedy happens in everyday life. It may be personal: your marriage or long-term relationship falls apart, you lose your house, a loved one dies. I'm a firm believer that anyone who has to go through those things has to have time to be selfish. The "woe is me!" feeling? Is so valid and should be embraced. But after you're through that...the reason WHY you went through that? Is to teach the people behind you. And you can support them too. Maybe that was the point of having to go through it.

I'm up for that task. Are you?