Alas, this birthday last month is not one of those "Big Ones." I can't do a blog of the "42 things I would tell my younger self" afterall. Who celebrates 42 afterall?
Oh.
I grin writing that, tongue in cheek, because I am a Science Fiction geek and 42? Bring it. Bring a towel when you do, please.
I'm not going to do 42 things here because I think my 40 captured most not too long ago. That, and I'm too lazy to do 42 new things now. So I will do the five I've learned in that time. And here they are.
1.) How you appear physically? Matters not at all.
Be healthy for you. Eat well, exercise. Whatever. But that damn size in that pair of jeans matters not. I'm surrounded by people daily who comment on who lost weight, who gained weight, who needs to do one or the other. But it's not in the gym; it's not with a personal trainer That I would understand. But it happens at work, for pete's sake.
I had a superior at work tell me the other day she noticed another colleague was losing weight. Okay. Lovely. Tell her if you think she might be complimented by it. But it's *at work*. At work, it shouldn't matter what you weigh, how you look, if you're losing or gaining or whatever. I found it insulting in a way and actually explained to her that it doesn't matter to me one way or another what size anyone is as long as they can do their job. And I'm actually kind of disgusted that people look at each other in a workplace that way. By the look on her face, I think she was surprised by my response. She should have been.
I told a friend this weekend this: if someone judges me because they think I might need to lose a few pounds? If I'm happy, successful, independent and caring and loving and someone who will be your dear friend or dear partner? And the only reason you don't want to meet me or date me or take me seriously is because I have an extra 10 or 100 pounds on me? Whatever. It's not MY problem: it's yours.
2.) It's okay not to be friends with exes. And actually not talk well about them.
Whether you have an ex-spouse, an ex-lover, or an ex-friend? Oh! The whole philosophy of having to be the "nice guy" (or gal in this case) and not saying anything negative about that person (lest you be perceived as bitter) is bullshit. Sometimes, those ex-spouses, ex-lovers and ex-friends deserve that label. If you were truly fucked over, there is nothing wrong with being upset, saying it, and even warning others about that person.
I don't know if it's that label ("bitter ex") that makes us think that we can't voice the truth when we get hurt. We should be okay with that. It's life. People disappoint and hurt us. Admitting you're hurt and disappointed does not make you bitter: it makes you human. When people make you feel bad about it, it's denying what happened, how you're feeling, and hinders your healing. Some people you meet really might not be good people. It's not wrong to say that out loud.
And if people think you're bitter? Fuck 'em. You're 42. You don't care about their opinion anymore afterall. ;-)
3.) People born into your family do not have to be your friends. Oh, it took me long to realize this. People always say "blood is thicker than water" but if that blood comes from a stone? It's not worth it. It's okay not to love your blood relations as much as your friend relations. Birthright does not make a relationship.
4.) Never live with someone you're dating.
People say to "test drive" it -- see if you can live together before you make it official. Whether getting married, have a civil union (grrr! hate that term. Everyone, no matter gender, race, religion, whatever! should be able to marry if they wish!), or whatever you want to call it. But in my opinion, test drives are for cars, not for human beings. I'm so not willing to be "test drived", and so neither should the partner in my life be. If someone wants to "see how it will work" before committing, he or she is a coward. It's way too easy to break up if you're just shacking up. If you love someone enough to want to live with them? Make it official. If you're still figuring it out? Figure it out. But don't live with someone until you do.
5.) Don't forget the people who count.
We all have obligations. With friends, with family, with children, with work. The people who count? Are the ones who we often don't recognize. The ones who come up to you and thank you for random things at work when you thought you were just doing your job. The sibling who picked up your child at daycare because you couldn't get there in time. The friend who didn't think twice when you locked your keys in your car and had to drive you back home to get your spare. It's so very often that we forget who IS there for want of others who aren't there. Re-evaluate who is in your life. It's about quality, not quantity.
And that's it for now. :-) Until next time....
