I'm Judgemental. There. I said it.

I'm just going to put it out there: I'm judgemental. Personally? As a society? I think we're afraid to admit that because it automatically somehow makes us bad people to judge others. I disagree though. I think it just makes us human, really.

We all do it.  And in some cases, we can all agree:  we can pass judgement on a murderer we read about and conclude that he who does that is not a good person. Or that those financiers who stole from innocent people in investments to pad their own pockets were wrong. In those cases, it's kinda cut and dry, right?  It's somehow fine to judge people like that and it not be a smudge on your own character for doing it.  In fact, most of your friends or family will nod and agree with you that they're not the kind of quality of people you'd want in your life.  Right?

I think it comes from that word: judge.  It has such a negative connotation to it.  Like, somehow, unless you have that law degree and sit behind a nice wooden bench, you have no right to judge people you come across. I'm a Christian and I even believe that ultimately there's only one judge at the end of time...and it ain't me, for sure. 

But we're not at the end of times yet.  And most of us don't have that degree or that nice wooden bench to sit behind.  But we are human and it's human nature. So why is it wrong to be able to voice your opinion if you think someone's doing something wrong? Is it really wrong to judge others? I don't think it's wrong to look at another human being and what they do or say and decide: no, that's not what I want in my life. Or, on the flip side, say: wow, in our conversations and my experiences with you, I'm so lucky to know you.  It works both ways after all.

So I'm judgemental.

I bring all of this up because I recently found out a dear friend of mine is stepping out with someone who is already "taken" and it's hard for me not to let that affect how I feel about her.  In kudos to her, she actually talked about it with me.  She brought it up and said she knew I would not approve (ugh! another bad connotation) but she wanted to let me know what was going on anyway.  In many ways, I wish she really, really hadn't.

Because I get it, people.  On paper? It's none of my business. She's not hurting me directly. I should have just sat there, listened like a friend should and then changed the subject if it made me uncomfortable.  Right?

No.  See, that's exactly where I think no.  First of all, if she already knew how I would feel about it and told me anyway, she put me in a position to respond.  And my response was exactly what she knew it would be, being as close as we are.  I couldn't pretend to think or feel differently; she couldn't have expected me to. And she didn't. She took my response very openly even if she disagreed with me. (I still wonder why she even told me, knowing all that.)

As in all cases of infidelity, the excuses came out:  He's unhappy with his current partner; they're more roommates than boyfriend-girlfriend anyway.  She's been lonely and hadn't felt a connection like this before! HE was the one to initiate every contact; not her!  You name it. All the things you tell yourself when you know a situation is wrong deep down but you try to bury it with those excuses so you don't have to think about it.

Now, Lord knows I haven't done everything right in my life either. I've made mistakes and look back with regret.  Is it my responsibility now to either tell my friends what I did wrong by those experiences in hope they don't do the same?  Or should I just shut my trap and let them do what they want to do?  If I choose the former, does it mean I'm judging them?  If I do the latter, does it mean I'm not being honest and a true friend?

The thing that clicked with her (and I saw it in her eyes when it did) was when she said, and I paraphrase, "but I don't see how this would affect OUR friendship. It's not like I'm doing anything to you."

Yeah.

Technically, she's right. I don't know either of the other people in her little messed up triangle. She doesn't even know his partner and their true relationship other than what he's said; she's never met her.  None of these folks are friends, family, colleagues or even acquaintances.  Nothing directly to me. She had me there.

But I had had a glass of wine or two at the time, so I told her the most obnoxious but valid analogy that came to mind at the time to challenge her comment. It shouldn't affect *our* friendship, right?   I asked her if she was truly serious with that comment and wanted my opinion.  When she nodded and was receptive of a response, I responded like this:

"Put it this way then. You and I are walking down the street together and we saw a random homeless man lying in the street.  If you decided to up and kick him in the gut right then and there for no reason at all? No, you wouldn't be doing something *to me.* But hell if that wouldn't affect our friendship and how I felt about you after seeing you do that."

Her eyes told me she understood. Even though it was the most ridiculous analogy, she got it.

Because in a case like that, we could all judge, right? If we saw a friend do something as horrible as that for no reason at all, we could easily judge them for it. Of course it would change your feelings about that friend who would.  How could it not?

Kicking a homeless man is an extreme example here, but I meant it as a point: if you know you're doing something wrong, decide to admit it to a friend, admit also that you even know you're doing wrong but still are going to do it because it's "what you need right now" and that's more important than anyone else -- innocent people who are the recipients of what you're feeling you want to do as opposed to what's right to do?  How can you expect that not to change your relationships with folks who know you're making that choice?

I know this makes me judgemental. Look, I started this saying I was, whether right or wrong. I'm certainly not saying I'm without sin; I've fucked up royally in my own past too in many different ways. I'm definitely not a better person than anyone else is out there.  But I still don't think I can see something wrong and encourage and support it if I don't feel it's right.

And if that makes me judgemental? I guess I'll just have to be okay with that and hope that some people reading this might understand it.





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